I am in a toxic relationship. With myself.
The reason I decided to speak out about it is because I have come to realize that I am not the only person who can identify with this problem.
It is a very real mental struggle that I now spend half of my day recognizing and trying to heal.
I use to be a confident woman. Growing up, I always had a sense of myself and was proud to be who I was. I believed I had so much to offer the world and to the people around me. Somewhere along the way, I lost that. How did I get here? What chain of events took place that stripped me to this point of such harmful self-talk?
Well, it took some serious alone time and quiet moments with my own scary thoughts to realize I had even gotten to this state. And once I started identifying the issue for what it really was I was able to come up with some things to help me better understand myself.
First, let's discuss how you can know you're in a toxic relationship with yourself.
1. You are your worst enemy
I find myself literally being my own roadblock. I would look at what I had to accomplish and instead of feeling like I could do anything I felt I wouldn't have what it took.
2. You feel drained by your own mind
Every day I have to remind myself to patient and positive with myself, which makes me mentally exhausted and physically drained at times.
3. You feel uncomfortable being alone with yourself
Sometimes I just want to not think anymore. Being alone with myself makes me not only think TOO much but it sends my mind down a rabbit hole of paranoia. These are the moments I start to feel critical and alone. Doesn't help that I have been homesick on top of that, I suppose.
4. You are stuck in a rut for extensive periods of time
I cannot begin to tell you how much this negative self-talk has impacted my life performance. The rut I am in has been better since recognizing my issue but it is still a struggle to climb out of that rut each day. I refuse to fail over a rut.
5. You constantly feel uncertain of yourself and those around you
This one has been the most painful to face. I now realize I have believed too many people for far too many years and have held onto every negative and toxic word people have said to me. My love language is Words of Affirmation so, unfortunately, my ability to hang onto words can be, at times, too powerful. My once "f*** what you think" attitude that held me together my whole life was no longer there. Somewhere along the way I stored toxic energy from OTHER people. Seems so unfair. When I look in the mirror I begin to feel hate towards the people that have hurt me, but I know the only person to blame is myself. I allowed others to define me. I allowed my actions and decisions to change based on how someone else would react to me. I held on so tightly to the toxicity as if to use it as fuel to remind myself of who I SHOULD be. If I change then maybe I wont be hurt anymore. If I was just a little different I wouldn't have to hear hurtful words or upset someone. If I just stayed quiet...I wouldn't have to face how much I was hurting. Being the girl who is insecure and all of a sudden doesn't feel good enough doesn't look "attractive". And who wants to be that cliche sad girl no one wants to deal with, right?
I want to be the woman I started out as and maybe even better than her. I am hoping that through this fight against myself I will come out stronger and more confident in a healthy way. I plan to find my way back is 3 ways:
1. Replace self-critiques with positive attributes about myself.
Not based on what others say about me but based on what I SAY about me.
2. Take back my power.
I no longer want to give someone else the power to change my perspective of myself.
3. Hold a stricter schedule to spend time with the Lord.
Sometimes my mental state is so drained that I don't want to read my bible or talk to Him about my issues. I push it off thinking it's not enough to help how I am feeling...even when I know darn well that it is. Satan is alive and well thats for certain.
If you are going through this, you are absolutely not alone. We will get through this and hopefully help those around us liberate themselves from it too! Spread the positive talk towards each other and yourself, because the world is harsh enough without your 2 cents.